Archive for July, 2008

Proof That Evolution is Real

July 1, 2008

Should anyone be surprised that patrons of Wal-Mart have difficulty with the modest task of fixing a bowl of cereal?

Of course not, but the cries of protest over new milk jugs emanating from betwixt bad teeth and multiple chins is emblematic.

Yes, here in America, everyone, from Clean Coal to Exxon is on the Green train these days, because it’s the right thing to do.

Just tell me, please, what’s green and when it’s on sale, I am all about doing my part.

By buying more shit I don’t need.

Like, maybe a car that’s a gallon or two more efficient. Take that, global warming!

The bus? Eww, no way! Black people ride the bus! And poor people! One of them might touch me!

What’s so funny about this article is not that the China-funding, poor-labor-practice-supporting, good ole ‘Mericans can’t pour a fucking glass of milk, it’s that this infinitesimal intrusion of temporary discomfort (unless the idiots never learn how to pour) has said red-blooded yankees all hot and bothered.

Sadly, this minute intrusion, as many Whole Foods shoppers will likely be happy to inform you, is not enough. That milk probably isn’t even organic.

Please, by all means, let’s go green, awesome!

Oh wait. You mean this will actually affect me? You mean this isn’t like sending a bible to a disaster zone? No one told me I’d have to actually do anything! I have comfort levels!

While the growing pains into a responsible and ecologically sound civilization may be moot (hey, there’s a good chance we’re already boned) we certainly won’t be lacking the accompanying moans of agony.

A prediction for 10 years from now:

“Well, it’s not fair, I shouldn’t have to plug the car in everytime I drive. And you know I don’t like the bus. It’s full of immigrants.”

In the words of Bill Engvall, “Here’s your sign.”

Maybe we’re better off boned, because gripes about milk cartons aren’t the first, won’t be the last and certainly won’t be the loudest.